on finding my way (again)

[unattributed image of Catbells, in the Lake District, UK — a favourite walk]

Like so many here on this earth, there is a lot going on for me right now, from every angle: in real life, in the wider world, psychologically and medically. The last few weeks have brought brilliant peaks — and some very tough troughs.

Troughs: I’m having more nightmares. This is of course a CPTSD reaction — I reckon in response to the relentless disclosures of sexual abuse and assault, alongside the disgusting failure of those who are able to hold others accountable — utterly failing to do so. Some nightmares for the first time place me in a bed as a child, with the clear knowledge of my abuser approaching. Others place me in charge of protecting children in a large house — and no matter what I do, the door to the abuser waiting outside swings open.

Carrying this distress through the days, feeling like I must pretend that I am not distressed, when I really felt like screaming — sent me back into therapy for a few sessions, with my wonderful and long-term therapist, whom I have called upon several times in the last 12 years. I am so grateful for her compassion, her understanding of me as a person and writer and survivor — and the permission she gives me to simply feel and accept this anger, this grief, rather than turn to my default: something is wrong with me.

These resurgences of anger and grief have been the undercurrents of these last few weeks, indeed. And I continue to ride them out.

Through them though, emerges the crystal conviction again and again: I will not turn away. I will not shrink. I hold my nerve, I bear witness. Because I survived, and this surviving brings me closer to what must be done. I have room in my heart, and the strength to link arms with thousands of others.

And the peaks — ah the PEAKS! They are footholds up this rocky path: healing, centring, empowering. I wedge my feet ledge by ledge, not knowing quite where the next breath will come from — but come it does, thank goodness.

So. PEAKS to follow here over the next few days. Thank you for coming with me – we got this, together.