on representation

[image courtesy of Clare Best]

In the Land of Peaks and Troughs (see my last post), here’s how I (we) climbed to Peak 1.

The starting point: how is child sexual abuse represented in the arts, if indeed it is represented at all?

Looking for ourselves in books, films, plays, visual arts, and music is a human thing. We look outward as ways of looking inward. We look outward as a way to reflect upon our own lives and experiences.

Now think for a moment about any mainstream creative endeavour which highlights child sexual abuse, in any way.

I imagine you are still thinking. And that’s because there are precious few examples of ANY art form addressing child sexual abuse. Furthermore, most examples (think of documentaries and books about Savile or Epstein, or murder/detective films and books about a child abusing misfit etc) focus on horror, on sensationalising abuse. Most too turn around a fascination with the perpetrator: what kind of person would do this?

I ask you instead: where are the survivors of CSA? where are their stories, their voices in the mainstream? where are the real lives of this 15% of the population represented?

Last year fellow survivor writer Clare Best and I went to the opera Festen at the Royal Opera House in London. We went because we’d seen the film by the same name, directed by Thomas Vinterberg (1998) and we had read enough to know that this opera brought essentially the same narrative to the stage. This narrative — there is a gathering for a 60th birthday party, where one of the grown sons of the ‘birthday father’ publicly discloses that this same father abused him and his sister from a very young age — happens over the course of 24 hours, in the middle of a house party.

Clare and I have both written libretti for operas, and both have an abiding love for contemporary music. And of course: we are both survivor activists, focusing much of our energies these days working in associated spaces, and considering the nuances of survivorship in the wider world.

Festen was very powerful. CSA was ‘front and centre’ of the narrative, and family dysfunction, reactions to the disclosures — mostly denials through word or action — occupied the majority of the emotional and psychological landscape.

The opera sparked long conversations between us about how and where we see survivors of child sexual abuse portrayed. And how abuse itself — the fact of it — is handled.

We decided — because we are writers! — to explore this terrain together through writing. We both enjoy working in collaboration, and we both had a LOT to say. We swiftly decided upon a form (the lyric essay), and began sending each other prose fragments, poetry, statistics, and reflections upon Festen. Both of us have considered many times how our art — our writings — interact or intersect (or don’t) with our survivorship. And both of us, more and more, have begun to centre our survivorship throughout both our private and public lives. Both of us have worked hard to integrate what we have gone through — our journeys, our healing paths — with our daily lives and loves, with our purposes, and of course, with what we make: our art, our studies, our academic research.

Very soon after beginning our writing correspondence, Clare alighted upon the medical humanities arm of the British Medical Journal (BMJ) as a possible outlet for our work. We were delighted that our proposal was accepted by editor Sabina Dosani, and devoted ourselves to writing without constraint. In the end, we wrote twice as much as we needed, and spent one memorable summer morning pacing around Clare’s dining room table, arranging and rearranging the pages laid out there, divining a structure, finding a path.

We figured it out. After a wonderful peer review report, and a somewhat tortuous copy editing and typesetting four months, Twenty-five soundings about child sexual abuse and the arts: considering the opera Festen appeared in the BMJ last week. It’s the first lyric essay the BMJ has ever published. We are super proud of it. It goes some way at least toward articulating our feelings arising from the opera, and setting it all in a broader, more holistic cultural context.

One aspect I am most proud of it — which makes this a PEAK, aside from the fact that a publication always deserves celebrating — is that the essay has found a home where it is likely to reach whole new audiences. It is a very deep conviction of mine, a fundamental purpose, that we normalise conversations about CSA. That we normalise the fact of its existence and occurrence across 15% of society, regardless of socio-economic levels. It is wholesale, global — but most people, including medics, researchers, artists — have no idea of its prevalence. No idea how it is happening in plain sight, day after day.

I’m hoping that publishing our essay in such a mainstream publication brings the ‘everyday-ness’ of CSA closer to home for some. That it manages to break through, at least partially, the reflexive silencing that says too often: be quiet, we don’t need to speak about this, take it elsewhere.

So without further ado: this link will take you to a pdf of the full text.

I’d love to hear what you think.

*Please note that in places the essay alludes to subjects that some readers may find distressing.*

‘my incurable anger’

The liminal space of airports can take me one of two ways: either I feel elated by the possibilities that travel may hold, or I feel lost, rudderless, unmoored.

It’s not surprising I guess that what with everything happening in the world right now — the latter pulled me in deep last night, as I traveled back from Germany after seeing our (beautiful, precious, smiling and laughing, curious) grandson. Thank goodness for new life, right now especially, truly.

In the airport I found myself surrounded by businessmen while waiting for my flight. All men. All working. All seemingly contained, professional.

And for the first time in years and years, I was furious at all of them — so furious that I struggled not to cry. I wanted them to be up in arms. I wanted them to show that they noticed what was happening in the world. That they knew they were privileged. That they understood their positions of power — and that they rejected this power, wholesale. Then I wondered how many of them were abusers. I wondered about the women and girls and boys in their lives: were these men good people?

Who knows. All I could see, all I could read in their faces, was that they were unperturbed. Contrary to the triggering and beyond I was going through: they felt safe. They had no reason not to feel safe.

Let’s say that again: they had no reason not to feel safe.

Then I actually did cry as the plane taxied and took flight over Cologne. I saw the lights of the city below, and knew there were thousands of abused people there — the vast majority abused at the hands of men.

We have every reason not to feel safe. I have every reason not to feel safe. I want to scream: look, why don’t you — just open your eyes! You have done this. You run the world so you always win, so you are safe, happy, prosperous — and so you can bask however you choose in the entitlement bestowed upon you by being born male, into a patriarchy.

But they are not looking. Not those men. Not then, and possibly not ever. They don’t have to.

Which is why I cried: I must look. My eyes are stuck open. Every day, and especially right now. Millions of us have to look. We have no choice but to know about all of this, from the inside — and none of us, not a single one, wants to.

We are flayed raw. We are so tired. We are so heartsore.

***

This morning the words that circled my mind in the airport at last found their poem: one of Twenty-One Love Poems, a sequence by Adrienne Rich, the great activist feminist writer, one of only two or three writers whose work has echoed through my life. I first read her poems in 1980.

I’ve added emphasis to the lines I’ve been hearing over and over….


IV.


I come home from you through the early light of spring
flashing off ordinary walls, the Pez Dorado,
the Discount Wares, the shoe-store… I’m lugging my sack
of groceries, I dash for the elevator
where a man, taut, elderly, carefully composed
lets the door almost close on me.—For god’s sake hold it!
I croak at him.—Hysterical, he breathes my way.
I let myself into the kitchen, unload my bundles,
make coffee, open the window, put on Nina Simone
singing Here comes the sun… I open the mail,
drinking delicious coffee, delicious music,
my body still both light and heavy with you. The mail
lets fall a Xerox of something written by a man
aged 27, a hostage, tortured in prison:
My genitals have been the object of such a sadistic display
they keep me constantly awake with the pain…
Do whatever you can to survive.
You know, I think that men love wars…
And my incurable anger, my unmendable wounds
break open further with tears, I am crying helplessly,
and they still control the world, and you are not in my arms.

our ribbons, our shoes

Last week I was in Newcastle (UK), where I helped do a LOUDfence on the railings of St Mary’s Cathedral. As ever, the act of tying ribbons — colourful, fluttering — releases something purposeful in me and I think in others. The tags which are attached by the ribbons recount grief, and loss, and sorrow, and in some — betrayal. They also speak of support, validation, and the determination to make a difference in every walk of life. To say loudly: we hear you, we believe you, we are so sorry. And we want this never to happen again.

A new and powerful symbol in LOUDfence is the introduction of empty shoes: children’s, priests’, religious sisters’, laity’s. They all represent people who aren’t there, who can’t be, and people whose shoes we need to walk in, to be with, and hold close. Abuse is a destructive force. It rips us from those we might love, and from the roads we might have walked.

LOUDfence is making a difference. It’s reaching beyond countries, and beyond regions. Beyond silence and silencing. Victim survivors from every walk of life can see themselves — can feel themselves held. Know that they are seen too, in some cases by the very people who did them harm.

Change comes through a gathering which reaches critical mass, a tipping over into the clear sense that we MUST enact cultural change. On all fronts.

I’m so proud to be part of this movement. Next stop: West Virginia USA in April.

***

Antonia Sobocki (founder of LOUDfence UK) asked me to write a poem for the Newcastle LOUDfence. Here it is. I am not usually one for writing to commission – I tend to freeze up! – but this time I had the gift of a pair of baby shoes I had found in my mother’s belongings after her death. Here are the shoes, and here is the poem.

(apologies for the poor quality reproduction here — the clumsiness of WordPress!)